Twenty Years of Practice: Expansion & Growth

You are reading the third installment of my blog series on celebrating twenty years of practice as a professional counselor. In my third act, I begin the process of starting my private practice. By May 2014, I had opened up my practice after seeing the need to make more money, primarily due to being in a long-term committed relationship and becoming a stepparent. I wanted to ensure I could financially provide, and I saw my earning potential as a trauma therapist. I also began to explore other interventions for trauma after getting stuck again with some clients who had complex trauma linked back to early developmental years. 

In this exploration for more professional experience in treating developmental trauma, I had also undergone a miscarriage. This experience led me back to therapy to process the loss. It also allowed me to start taking steps to heal my physical health after the miscarriage diagnosed polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) as the cause. During this round of therapy, I was the recipient of neurofeedback to help with some of my trauma symptoms. Neurofeedback seemed to have great potential to help people reduce symptoms of PTSD and help regulate the nervous system. I decided to add neurofeedback to my new private practice, which allowed for more referrals and clients. 

After neurofeedback, I became curious about adding more tools to offer clients in my practice. I was also becoming more open to making my practice online and offering personal and professional coaching. A colleague invited me to a women's entrepreneur Facebook group, many of whom were trained therapists looking to add coaching or other online services. Many of them became successful, inspiring me to hire my first business coach and see a certified hypnotist. My curiosity around hypnosis came from seeing how many of my clients seemed stuck in therapy due to their defenses that seemed out of their control to change. I wondered if offering hypnosis would help clients overcome resistance and be open to more healing and wholeness. After being a hypnosis client, I began seeing how my thinking was holding me back from success and happiness. I became a certified hypnotist to learn how to encourage clients to relax and free themselves from the mental chains that were preventing their healing. 

Amid business coaching and hypnosis, I began to see my curiosity about spirituality broaden. Many of the women I encountered in my business coaching programs were spiritual, and I was open to exploring all different forms of expression. With my exposure to how changing thinking can become a spiritual practice in hypnosis, I attended some retreats led by my business coach. These experiences helped me have more positive experiences with women in a receptive and supportive setting. Professionally, I took another leap of faith and began training to become a remote energy worker with ThetaHealing. This empowering method was another example of how women modeled a positive experience around healing and recovery.

These experiences built more foundations to become a remote therapist and coach. The professional tools I accumulated also allowed me to attract my ideal clients more efficiently and effectively. As my practice grew, I was able to let go of many of the insurance companies that were paying far below the national average. I was healing my physical and mental health by learning more about how our bodies carry the burden of chronic stress and trauma. But with all my privilege and help, I felt blocked in my ability to receive and give love. It was time to level up again. Next time, I will embark on my final chapter that is still being written.

Inner Work & Secondary Gains

This post is an older one that talks about how our parts can lead to self-sabotage. If you read my post a few weeks ago about Inner conversations, this post speaks to what can happen when we experience a part of ourselves who isn’t as commited to our healing as we are.

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Simply speaking, our behaviors are motivated by emotion, even if they don’t seem that way.  We take action in order to try and get our needs met. When we can’t achieve this in a positive way, we may consciously or unconsciously resort to inferior methods.

Think about a kid who is craving attention.  First they’ll start off all cute and charming, but if that doesn’t work they’ll likely resort to bad behavior.  Sure, getting yelled at as a result doesn’t sound great, but it does meet their original need, however flawed.

Instead of wondering “why” we do something, instead we can try and look at what we’re getting out of it.  That’s what “secondary gain” is all about. This explains why we do things that don’t seemingly make sense, and may in fact violate what we think we want!  We’re getting some benefit from NOT solving our problem. It may end up looking like we’re not committed, “faking it,” or manipulative, but that’s likely not the whole story.

For example, perhaps I have trouble sticking to my workout routine.  In theory I want to work out because I want a healthy lifestyle. I want a healthy lifestyle because I want to feel good in my body.  But knowing that working out can ultimately help me feel good doesn’t mean I always do it.

Let’s unpack that a little - what could I (or anyone) be getting out of not working out?  Maybe it feels indulgent to go home, sit on the sofa, and order takeout - so in a totally different way I do feel comfortable, and like I’m taking care of myself.  Maybe when I skip the gym and go straight home my husband and kid are really excited I’m home early, and give me lots of extra love and attention. Makes me feel pretty good, albeit in a different way.  Thus, there are benefits from NOT reaching my goal, or overcoming my original problem. Some emotional energy keeps me from making changes, and my “bad behavior” gets reinforced.

Now that we know about this phenomenon, how do we address it?  If most of our secondary gains for not losing weight, eating healthy or reaching our goals are unconscious, what do we do?

Most of the time we need identifying our secondary gains.  After a decade as a mental health therapist I started looking at them in a new way when I trained in hypnosis.  From my experience working with clients I noticed two trends. One group of clients was fully ready to commit to a recovery program, and took the steps to actively engage in their own healing, no matter how difficult.  The other was equally committed at the outset, but would have other issues occur over the course of our treatment that would prevent them from moving forward. They’d get sick, identify some reason they couldn’t keep coming, or simply stall out.

At the time I wrongly assumed that many of these clients simply didn’t want to get well.  I figured if they wanted it badly enough then they’d figure out a way to make it work. I no longer think this.  The vast majority of my clients want to get well. Now I understand that in order to help them we need to look at any deep-seated secondary gains that are going to prevent them from pursuing their healing.

Now that’s where I start with my clients.  It is not uncommon to come upon some internal resistance or discomfort when trying something new.  But now, instead of telling them to “hang in there,” we start to identify their resistance. Typically that looks like a lot of critical or negative internal feedback, hearing messages like, “you’re weak,” “you don’t deserve it,” or “you’re a failure.”  Those voices are often pathways to unprocessed trauma or internalized criticism. Once we’ve found that data we can acknowledge and process it, and support the client in moving on.

While we have the best of intentions when we’re working on our health and wellness we tend to get stuck.  If we’re willing to accept that there might be more than meets the eye then we can identify the additional factors at play, dig deeper, and move forward.  For many of us, addressing secondary gains is a great place to start.

Does this sound like you? Would you like more support in knowing how to work with the parts of you who are self-sabotaging your best efforts? Sign up for my meditations, or you can apply to work with me here.

Inner Conversations

This weekend I am participating in my first 3-day silent retreat at the Prairie Zen Center  located only a few miles from my home. During my time there, I will be meditating in the Zen Buddhist tradition, one of concentration, awareness and stillness.

During my meditation practice, I will often encounter different voices. I wanted to learn more about these voices, and ended up finding an answer in my trauma training. While working with clients who were processing trauma, many would get stuck and be unable to move forward. We both were aware that this was some kind of unconscious protection mechanism, but were unsure how to make it cooperate. I began to learn more about Ego State Therapy, which has its origins in both psychology and hypnosis.

In doing this work with clients for over five years, I have seen so much growth in my clients. The practice of knowing how to have these inner conversations involves a few steps:

1. In your regular quiet time, begin to create a safe space in your mind: This space can be imaginary or a place you’ve been before. Whatever you choose, let it be a place where you feel safe, calm and at ease. Begin to take in all your sensory awareness: What do you see? What do you hear? What can you touch or sense with your skin? Can you smell or taste anything? Take your time absorbing all that you want.

2. Create a meeting space: This meeting space can be a separate room or alcove within your safe space. This is a space that is designated for you and all your parts to come and communicate. Some clients choose to have a table which signifies a meeting, some have chosen to have an open circle for parts to sit on cushions.

3. Customize the space for each part: You may not know who these parts of yourself are yet, but many clients suspect they are parts that have served a purpose (protector, professor, wife, father), or hold particular memories or feelings (wounded child, rebellious teenager, part that was assaulted). As you become more familiar with all your parts, you can invite them to your space. Give them things that will enhance safety and comfort.

4. Begin to listen and pay attention: Once the invitation has been sent for your parts to come to the meeting space, many of my clients are surprised how the different voices now become more loud and apparent in their life. Many clients will see when their eating disorder part will come out, and have a greater awareness of what is triggering the behavior. Some may have more compassion for their behavior as they now see it as a part that needs attention and healing.

If this concept seems a bit strange, you might be right! Going inside ourselves can be a foreign and scary process if we don’t have a frame of reference. If you haven’t signed up for my meditation tracks, now is the time! I have added an “inner meeting space” meditation for you that details this practice above. It’s yours for free, just simple sign up for my free meditations! As always, if you’re wanting more guidance or a deep dive, you can apply to work with me here.

Inner Work: A Primer

“The Voice is fully operative in most of us by the time we are four years old, after which it functions as a moral compass, a deterrent to questionable behavior. Instead of being afraid of the disapproval of our parents, we become afraid of the disapproval of The Voice. Instead of being punished for daring to disagree with our mothers or fathers, we adults punish ourselves for daring to believe that our lives could be different. We become risk aversive. Frightened of change.”

— Geneen Roth

If you have been hanging out in self-improvement circles for awhile you may know the phrase “inner work.”

I define the practice as anything that allows for reflection of yourself and all parts of yourself, for the purpose of self-discovery, self-healing, and self-love.

The majority of the tools I use in therapy and coaching are inner work tools. EMDR requires that the client reflect on their feelings, internal images and body sensations while processing traumatic memories. Hypnosis requires a letting go of regular conscious thought, to observe what the subconscious mind is saying. Meditation is similar to hypnosis, with many goals depending on your intention for your practice. Energy work and astrology also have elements of inner work: noticing your inner body sensations for healing, or noticing your inner reactions during an important astrological event.

Having the self-awareness to do inner work is the first step. Here are a few ways to gain more self-awareness on your inner journey:

1. Spend quiet time alone: Without any distractions like a phone, screen or book, begin to notice yourself in a quiet space. You may opt to go for a walk outside to begin this practice. Begin to notice any thoughts or emotions bubbling up as you begin. See what these voices have to say, without judging or criticizing them. Geneen Roth calls the judging part, The Voice: “The Voice is fully operative in most of us by the time we are four years old, after which it functions as a moral compass, a deterrent to questionable behavior. Instead of being afraid of the disapproval of our parents, we become afraid of the disapproval of The Voice. Instead of being punished for daring to disagree with our mothers or fathers, we adults punish ourselves for daring to believe that our lives could be different. We become risk aversive. Frightened of change.”

2. Become a curious observer: As you begin to spend more and more time by yourself, you may become restless or uneasy with the thoughts or sensations coming up. Roth’s quote speaks to what happens when we are unconsciously listening to The Voice--we become critical and fearful. The opposite of fear is curiosity, a genuine interest in what is happening. An interest that could lead to more understanding of ourselves. How could you become curious about the sensations in your body as  you are taking that walk outside? How could you become curious about the voice that seems to be so hard on you?

3. Hire a professional: Once we realize that there is a whole inner dialogue we can engage within ourselves, it may be time to talk to someone. Having a facilitator to listen to what is going on inside of us can be beneficial for several reasons including: having an objective person who is supportive, having someone who shares our values of personal growth, and having someone who is further in their path to help guide us. This could be a therapist, coach, healer or astrologer. I’ve hired all four of these professionals, and each experience has helped me grow.

How have you begun this inner work journey? What experiences can you share to help others? I will be deep-diving into some inner work next weekend as a participate in my first 3-day silent retreat! I will be writing about my experience to share in a few weeks! If you’d like to see how to start your inner work journey, you can fill out an application to work with me here.

A Session Or A Sanctuary?

To continue the topic of online services, I wanted to give potential clients an idea of what an online session with me can be like. This also may allay any anxieties about trying something different if you haven’t done healing sessions online before.

“I want my clients to experience the feeling of healing, insight, or breakthrough, which requires going into our senses and our bodies.”

1. Setting: As the third point in my previous post pointed out, the first step in preparing for an online session is creating your own special space for your sessions. This could simply be a quiet space in your home or office where you are able to talk undisturbed. If your setting has the potential for interruptions, this can greatly inhibit our ability to move through a healing process completely. Let people in your life know ahead of time you have an appointment where you can’t be disturbed. Also making sure your technology is all up-to-date, and you have headphones for your phone or laptop. Is it helpful to have a blanket or a place to recline if we are doing a hypnosis or healing session? Sometimes! I tell clients to have a space where lying down can be an option.

2. Mindset: I recommend giving yourself both 15 minutes before and after a session to prepare your own mind for the session. Since we’ve already talked ahead of time about your desires, goals, and expectations, you already know what type of session you will be participating in with me: whether that be an astrology reading, energy healing, hypnosis, or talking about your lifestyle plan. Make sure you have a pen or paper handy if you are prone to taking notes, though most video sessions can be recorded. If it serves you, participate in a ritual or set an intention ahead of time. Create a space in your mind to do good work in your session.

3. Experiential: Since I am a practitioner that has many tools in my toolbox to help facilitate healing, I mostly identify as an experiential healer or coach. I want my clients to experience the feeling of healing, insight, or breakthrough, which requires going into our senses and our bodies. Be prepared as a potential client to be actively participating in exercises during our session to help you help yourself. My hands-on approach allows you to realize how powerful you are in your own healing process.

4. Results Driven: My motto as a healer and coach is this--if the connection of our collaborative relationship coupled with multiple modalities does not give you more of what you want in life and less of what you don’t want, then we need to talk. I will be asking for feedback from you from the very beginning, so we both know how the process is working for you. This honest feedback goes both ways; just as much as I want your honest feedback, I will also be giving you feedback so you are aware of your own progress.

5. Referral Central: One major perk of working with me is the extensive referral network I have access to. If I am not able to address a particular issue that we agree should be addressed for your healing (i.e. finding a bodyworker in your area, functional fitness and nutrition help, etc), I will find someone who can! I will also be setting up a resources page on my website soon with some of my top referrals for particular issues.

If you are ready to start the journey of healing, then apply here or schedule your FREE 20-minute consultation call here.

Why Online Services: A Series

Since I launched my new website, I’ve had many inquiries about my services. Thank you for your interest! My therapy practice in Illinois is currently full, so many potential clients have been wondering about online services. Here are some reasons online services can be superior to seeing a practitioner in person, and why I started using online coaches and healers over three years ago:

1. Accessibility: Having the option of talking to your provider of choice, regardless of geographical location is a big plus. While clients who come to my office have limited days and times they are able to see me, accessing me online can be much easier! Need to schedule while you’re travelling? Great news! Online services can happen no matter what time zone we’re in, given we are both awake!

2. Collaboration: Since online services are not covered by insurance, I would serve as your coach. Many of my modalities can be used via phone or video conference, but having an online coach can be more flexible in terms of the expectations around the roles of the coach and the client. Coaching allows for an expanded collaborative relationship--I have met my coaches at retreats, shared bedrooms with them, and cried together. I would consider some of my coaches friends.

3. Creating A Sacred Space: When I schedule a coaching call with new clients, I encourage you to choose a time and space where you are able to completely focus. This would preferably be in your home in a space that is just yours, or is able to be private during our session. Often, I will start the session out with a prayer or ritual to welcome in healing. Once we have collectively given ourselves a space to do important work, your sacred space could then be used for your own work outside our sessions.

4. Diversity: Once I was able to receive energy healing, astrology readings, and practical tools through an online space, I realized I would have never been able to access the diversity of coaches and healers within my own community. Making the time to physically go to appointments can be exhausting and time consuming, let alone finding someone who best fits your needs. Having the option to work with providers online has been an integral part of my healing process.

If you are interested in learning more about online coaching and how to work with me, let’s schedule a FREE 20-minute call! Next week, I’ll share a bit more about how online sessions look with me, and how to best optimize your online sessions.