Quarantine Hacks: Fresh Air

A brief (or long) three weeks ago, before COVID-19 sent us to our rooms, I spent the week in Atlanta dog sitting for my sister and brother-in-law. 

Angie and Mike live in the city, so I was taking daily walks with their dogs along with my dog who came along for the ride. I was uncertain how I would feel being in a large city for a week, but I was observant of myself and my body. 

By the time Friday rolled around, I was starting to feel a bit claustrophobic, being in close proximity to so many people. This was not a new sensation, but one I have honed over the years in knowing that my body and mind are connected, and give me helpful clues in how stressed I may be. 

Saturday I found a local forest preserve in the city, and went on a solo hike to be among the trees. Just being around water and trees allowed me to start breathing a bit deeper into my lungs. So now, in the midst of our (near) worldwide quarantine, I will be offering a few hacks that are taken from my own life hacks over the years. None of them will surprise you, but we may be noticing  the ways in which we do (or don’t) care for ourselves in a more glaring light.

Quarantine Hack #1: Get Fresh Air! 

I know many of you around the world are no longer allowed to even go outside. I hope you are able to at least crack a window, have a porch or patio, and can take a few breaths of fresh air several times a day. 

For those of us who are still able to take walks, I would encourage you to get out at least once a day. Preferably 2-3 times a day for at least 20 minutes each. This suggestion is one many healthcare professionals gave me years ago when I was getting my health back on track. Being a psychotherapist I am stuck in a building, sitting with clients hour after hour, many days per week. After I started implementing a few 20-minute walks a day, I began to notice a difference in my overall mood and mindset. 

1. It began to help me see the constancy of nature: even amidst our quarantine and global suffering, nature is still nature. She is changing into spring, and the birds and trees still respond to those changes. 

2. It opened me up creatively: as time went on, being out in nature has no longer been an optional activity. I noticed it opened me up to writing poetry again, and taking amateur photos on my walks. It is my muse and inspiration to create. 

3. It helps set my natural circadian rhythm: I started to focus on walking as close to sunrise and sunset when I could. Even walking at any time, I noticed I no longer rely on an alarm clock. I wake up and am tired for sleep around the same time each day. During a time when our routines are off, this is a great way to keep them similar. 

I hope this post has helped, please comment or send me questions as you have them. I will continue to post one quarantine hack until Friday.

**SPEAKING OF FRIDAYS**
In light of others who are losing their jobs, possibly healthcare coverage, and uncertainty during this time, I am offering “CO-PAY FRIDAY” as a way to give back. If you are uninsured, or don’t have coverage that I accept,  I am offering a handful of 30-minute coaching sessions each Friday for the cost of a copay (minimum $20; donation based). Please send me an email if interested to get on the list. Payment required before appointment is set. 

Being Stuck in Stagnant Waters

Like many people, I love being around large bodies of water. The type of water does matter. While the ocean is my first pick, the main requirement is that the water is always moving. I want to know that things are moving along, in and with the body of water.

In reading Charlotte Joko Beck’s second book, Nothing Special, she uses an analogy of whirlpools and stagnant waters. In our life, we have a tendency to forget that our life began as a part of the rushing river of life. We often will create whirlpools around one area of our lives to avoid pain. Other areas might become stagnant all together due to trauma or grief.

Once we have that whirlpool or stagnant water in our lives for a while, it begins to feel normal. This could equate to physical stagnation of the body, or emotionally creating whirlpools around our grief that we just can’t let go of. Either way, if these states become normal, we often feel stuck. This may be a time when we seek therapy, or try a new meditation routine, or even become physically sick or depressed if the stagnation lingers.

In order to know where we are stagnant, we first have to acknowledge where we may have symptoms of depression, fear or anger. We may also ask if we are comfortable holding on to these feelings, or if we are willing to become uncomfortable in allowing that stagnant water to become part of the river of life.

The truth is, we don’t like fresh air very much. We don’t like fresh water very much. It takes a long time before we can see our defensiveness and manipulation of life in our daily activities. Practice helps us to see these maneuvers more clearly, and such recognition is always unpleasant. Still, it’s essential that we see what we are doing. The longer we practice, the more readily we can recognize our defensive patterns. The process is never easy or painless, however, and those who are hoping to find a quick and easy place of rest should not undertake it.

Charlotte Joko Beck, Nothing Special

So how does a person become unstuck, once they realize they have created some stagnant waters?

1. Any practice of meditation: Time with yourself, with your thoughts, just being present. For first time meditators, I recommend Calm or Headspace.

2. Seek professional guidance: This could be a meditation or yoga teacher, spiritual director, or psychotherapist. Someone who emulates qualities you would like to grow.

3. Trying new things: One of the easiest ways to get unstuck is to challenge yourself with trying something new. If you are feeling extra brave, try that new thing by yourself without bringing a friend!

In becoming more of the flowing river of life, we have to become uncomfortable. These practices are not meant to create more comfort. Simply thinking about moving yourself out of stagnant water is a great first step. If you want to seek guidance and see if my services can help you become unstuck, then schedule your FREE 20-minute consultation with me here.

Inner Work & Secondary Gains

This post is an older one that talks about how our parts can lead to self-sabotage. If you read my post a few weeks ago about Inner conversations, this post speaks to what can happen when we experience a part of ourselves who isn’t as commited to our healing as we are.

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Simply speaking, our behaviors are motivated by emotion, even if they don’t seem that way.  We take action in order to try and get our needs met. When we can’t achieve this in a positive way, we may consciously or unconsciously resort to inferior methods.

Think about a kid who is craving attention.  First they’ll start off all cute and charming, but if that doesn’t work they’ll likely resort to bad behavior.  Sure, getting yelled at as a result doesn’t sound great, but it does meet their original need, however flawed.

Instead of wondering “why” we do something, instead we can try and look at what we’re getting out of it.  That’s what “secondary gain” is all about. This explains why we do things that don’t seemingly make sense, and may in fact violate what we think we want!  We’re getting some benefit from NOT solving our problem. It may end up looking like we’re not committed, “faking it,” or manipulative, but that’s likely not the whole story.

For example, perhaps I have trouble sticking to my workout routine.  In theory I want to work out because I want a healthy lifestyle. I want a healthy lifestyle because I want to feel good in my body.  But knowing that working out can ultimately help me feel good doesn’t mean I always do it.

Let’s unpack that a little - what could I (or anyone) be getting out of not working out?  Maybe it feels indulgent to go home, sit on the sofa, and order takeout - so in a totally different way I do feel comfortable, and like I’m taking care of myself.  Maybe when I skip the gym and go straight home my husband and kid are really excited I’m home early, and give me lots of extra love and attention. Makes me feel pretty good, albeit in a different way.  Thus, there are benefits from NOT reaching my goal, or overcoming my original problem. Some emotional energy keeps me from making changes, and my “bad behavior” gets reinforced.

Now that we know about this phenomenon, how do we address it?  If most of our secondary gains for not losing weight, eating healthy or reaching our goals are unconscious, what do we do?

Most of the time we need identifying our secondary gains.  After a decade as a mental health therapist I started looking at them in a new way when I trained in hypnosis.  From my experience working with clients I noticed two trends. One group of clients was fully ready to commit to a recovery program, and took the steps to actively engage in their own healing, no matter how difficult.  The other was equally committed at the outset, but would have other issues occur over the course of our treatment that would prevent them from moving forward. They’d get sick, identify some reason they couldn’t keep coming, or simply stall out.

At the time I wrongly assumed that many of these clients simply didn’t want to get well.  I figured if they wanted it badly enough then they’d figure out a way to make it work. I no longer think this.  The vast majority of my clients want to get well. Now I understand that in order to help them we need to look at any deep-seated secondary gains that are going to prevent them from pursuing their healing.

Now that’s where I start with my clients.  It is not uncommon to come upon some internal resistance or discomfort when trying something new.  But now, instead of telling them to “hang in there,” we start to identify their resistance. Typically that looks like a lot of critical or negative internal feedback, hearing messages like, “you’re weak,” “you don’t deserve it,” or “you’re a failure.”  Those voices are often pathways to unprocessed trauma or internalized criticism. Once we’ve found that data we can acknowledge and process it, and support the client in moving on.

While we have the best of intentions when we’re working on our health and wellness we tend to get stuck.  If we’re willing to accept that there might be more than meets the eye then we can identify the additional factors at play, dig deeper, and move forward.  For many of us, addressing secondary gains is a great place to start.

Does this sound like you? Would you like more support in knowing how to work with the parts of you who are self-sabotaging your best efforts? Sign up for my meditations, or you can apply to work with me here.

Reflections on Sesshin: A Zen Experience

“Each moment, life as it is, the only teacher”

— Charlotte Joko Beck

I went to stand up, and my right leg collapsed and almost crumpled me to the floor. I realized in that moment, that I would need to pace myself during sesshin , a traditional period of extended meditation and silence in the Zen Buddhist tradition. I chose to embark on this journey at the Prairie Zen Center out of curiosity and at the prompting of a friend who told me about it.

The idea of spending time in silence with others participating in the same activities carries great appeal for this introverted introspective soul. I will not be recommending sesshin, nor will I be prescribing anything from my time. I simply want to highlight a few of my observations as they have percolated over the last week:

1. Riding the Waves: I have a lot of mental activity. Since my inner world is incredibly rich, vibrant, and a place of refuge, to bring myself simply back to the present is hard. My inner chatter wants me to escape, wants to run away, wants to be anywhere but present. I learned to ride the initial waves of fear, terror, anger, judgment, and all manner of ego driven language as I was facing a wall with no stimuli to distract my mind.

2. Being Gracious: Being in community with complete strangers is not a new concept for me. However, being in extended periods of silence with people is new. I saw myself instantly extending grace both to myself and others as we negotiated how to be together. I extended compassion to myself for dropping things, talking when I wasn’t supposed to, or becoming impatient with others.

3. Deep Respect: In observing the teachers and participants, I developed a deep respect for this ancient practice. The simple physical challenge to sit still, no matter what your body position is, for many hours is something to aspire to. The fact that an 82-year-old woman is able to sit in longer than me was both humbling and inspiring.

4. Learning to Laugh at Non-Duality: Buddhism is called ‘the middle way.’ It states that there is no need to go to extremes in thought, feeling, body or deed in order to achieve inner peace. However, practicing non-duality is much harder that it may seem. I found my mind getting confused by the circular non-duality talk of Genmyo, the resident Zen Master. I also found myself smiling and laughing along with everyone at some of the statements, such as this one: “Zazen [sitting meditation] could be the hardest thing, or it can be the easiest thing.” Finding humor in the paradox, learning to play in paradox, is a skill I hope to hone.

5. Basking in Unity: At the end of our time together, we get to speak about our experience in closing remarks. The unity that I felt between myself and the participants and teachers was palpable. We were all there to participate for ourselves, as well as work together toward a common good of bringing peace and to end all suffering. A lofty goal, but I can see how it’s possible given the power of simply meditating in a group for almost three days.

My intention in going to sesshin was to learn how to expand my meditation muscle. What I found was so much more than that: I found the purity of letting go. I found the unity of shared community. I found humbleness and listening to my inner teacher. I found deep joy and appreciation. If you’re interested in learning more about his unique inner experience, send me a message! Or you can find me at the Zendo sitting on most mornings. The silence welcomes you.

Inner Conversations

This weekend I am participating in my first 3-day silent retreat at the Prairie Zen Center  located only a few miles from my home. During my time there, I will be meditating in the Zen Buddhist tradition, one of concentration, awareness and stillness.

During my meditation practice, I will often encounter different voices. I wanted to learn more about these voices, and ended up finding an answer in my trauma training. While working with clients who were processing trauma, many would get stuck and be unable to move forward. We both were aware that this was some kind of unconscious protection mechanism, but were unsure how to make it cooperate. I began to learn more about Ego State Therapy, which has its origins in both psychology and hypnosis.

In doing this work with clients for over five years, I have seen so much growth in my clients. The practice of knowing how to have these inner conversations involves a few steps:

1. In your regular quiet time, begin to create a safe space in your mind: This space can be imaginary or a place you’ve been before. Whatever you choose, let it be a place where you feel safe, calm and at ease. Begin to take in all your sensory awareness: What do you see? What do you hear? What can you touch or sense with your skin? Can you smell or taste anything? Take your time absorbing all that you want.

2. Create a meeting space: This meeting space can be a separate room or alcove within your safe space. This is a space that is designated for you and all your parts to come and communicate. Some clients choose to have a table which signifies a meeting, some have chosen to have an open circle for parts to sit on cushions.

3. Customize the space for each part: You may not know who these parts of yourself are yet, but many clients suspect they are parts that have served a purpose (protector, professor, wife, father), or hold particular memories or feelings (wounded child, rebellious teenager, part that was assaulted). As you become more familiar with all your parts, you can invite them to your space. Give them things that will enhance safety and comfort.

4. Begin to listen and pay attention: Once the invitation has been sent for your parts to come to the meeting space, many of my clients are surprised how the different voices now become more loud and apparent in their life. Many clients will see when their eating disorder part will come out, and have a greater awareness of what is triggering the behavior. Some may have more compassion for their behavior as they now see it as a part that needs attention and healing.

If this concept seems a bit strange, you might be right! Going inside ourselves can be a foreign and scary process if we don’t have a frame of reference. If you haven’t signed up for my meditation tracks, now is the time! I have added an “inner meeting space” meditation for you that details this practice above. It’s yours for free, just simple sign up for my free meditations! As always, if you’re wanting more guidance or a deep dive, you can apply to work with me here.

Inner Work: A Primer

“The Voice is fully operative in most of us by the time we are four years old, after which it functions as a moral compass, a deterrent to questionable behavior. Instead of being afraid of the disapproval of our parents, we become afraid of the disapproval of The Voice. Instead of being punished for daring to disagree with our mothers or fathers, we adults punish ourselves for daring to believe that our lives could be different. We become risk aversive. Frightened of change.”

— Geneen Roth

If you have been hanging out in self-improvement circles for awhile you may know the phrase “inner work.”

I define the practice as anything that allows for reflection of yourself and all parts of yourself, for the purpose of self-discovery, self-healing, and self-love.

The majority of the tools I use in therapy and coaching are inner work tools. EMDR requires that the client reflect on their feelings, internal images and body sensations while processing traumatic memories. Hypnosis requires a letting go of regular conscious thought, to observe what the subconscious mind is saying. Meditation is similar to hypnosis, with many goals depending on your intention for your practice. Energy work and astrology also have elements of inner work: noticing your inner body sensations for healing, or noticing your inner reactions during an important astrological event.

Having the self-awareness to do inner work is the first step. Here are a few ways to gain more self-awareness on your inner journey:

1. Spend quiet time alone: Without any distractions like a phone, screen or book, begin to notice yourself in a quiet space. You may opt to go for a walk outside to begin this practice. Begin to notice any thoughts or emotions bubbling up as you begin. See what these voices have to say, without judging or criticizing them. Geneen Roth calls the judging part, The Voice: “The Voice is fully operative in most of us by the time we are four years old, after which it functions as a moral compass, a deterrent to questionable behavior. Instead of being afraid of the disapproval of our parents, we become afraid of the disapproval of The Voice. Instead of being punished for daring to disagree with our mothers or fathers, we adults punish ourselves for daring to believe that our lives could be different. We become risk aversive. Frightened of change.”

2. Become a curious observer: As you begin to spend more and more time by yourself, you may become restless or uneasy with the thoughts or sensations coming up. Roth’s quote speaks to what happens when we are unconsciously listening to The Voice--we become critical and fearful. The opposite of fear is curiosity, a genuine interest in what is happening. An interest that could lead to more understanding of ourselves. How could you become curious about the sensations in your body as  you are taking that walk outside? How could you become curious about the voice that seems to be so hard on you?

3. Hire a professional: Once we realize that there is a whole inner dialogue we can engage within ourselves, it may be time to talk to someone. Having a facilitator to listen to what is going on inside of us can be beneficial for several reasons including: having an objective person who is supportive, having someone who shares our values of personal growth, and having someone who is further in their path to help guide us. This could be a therapist, coach, healer or astrologer. I’ve hired all four of these professionals, and each experience has helped me grow.

How have you begun this inner work journey? What experiences can you share to help others? I will be deep-diving into some inner work next weekend as a participate in my first 3-day silent retreat! I will be writing about my experience to share in a few weeks! If you’d like to see how to start your inner work journey, you can fill out an application to work with me here.