Reflections on Sesshin: A Zen Experience

“Each moment, life as it is, the only teacher”

— Charlotte Joko Beck

I went to stand up, and my right leg collapsed and almost crumpled me to the floor. I realized in that moment, that I would need to pace myself during sesshin , a traditional period of extended meditation and silence in the Zen Buddhist tradition. I chose to embark on this journey at the Prairie Zen Center out of curiosity and at the prompting of a friend who told me about it.

The idea of spending time in silence with others participating in the same activities carries great appeal for this introverted introspective soul. I will not be recommending sesshin, nor will I be prescribing anything from my time. I simply want to highlight a few of my observations as they have percolated over the last week:

1. Riding the Waves: I have a lot of mental activity. Since my inner world is incredibly rich, vibrant, and a place of refuge, to bring myself simply back to the present is hard. My inner chatter wants me to escape, wants to run away, wants to be anywhere but present. I learned to ride the initial waves of fear, terror, anger, judgment, and all manner of ego driven language as I was facing a wall with no stimuli to distract my mind.

2. Being Gracious: Being in community with complete strangers is not a new concept for me. However, being in extended periods of silence with people is new. I saw myself instantly extending grace both to myself and others as we negotiated how to be together. I extended compassion to myself for dropping things, talking when I wasn’t supposed to, or becoming impatient with others.

3. Deep Respect: In observing the teachers and participants, I developed a deep respect for this ancient practice. The simple physical challenge to sit still, no matter what your body position is, for many hours is something to aspire to. The fact that an 82-year-old woman is able to sit in longer than me was both humbling and inspiring.

4. Learning to Laugh at Non-Duality: Buddhism is called ‘the middle way.’ It states that there is no need to go to extremes in thought, feeling, body or deed in order to achieve inner peace. However, practicing non-duality is much harder that it may seem. I found my mind getting confused by the circular non-duality talk of Genmyo, the resident Zen Master. I also found myself smiling and laughing along with everyone at some of the statements, such as this one: “Zazen [sitting meditation] could be the hardest thing, or it can be the easiest thing.” Finding humor in the paradox, learning to play in paradox, is a skill I hope to hone.

5. Basking in Unity: At the end of our time together, we get to speak about our experience in closing remarks. The unity that I felt between myself and the participants and teachers was palpable. We were all there to participate for ourselves, as well as work together toward a common good of bringing peace and to end all suffering. A lofty goal, but I can see how it’s possible given the power of simply meditating in a group for almost three days.

My intention in going to sesshin was to learn how to expand my meditation muscle. What I found was so much more than that: I found the purity of letting go. I found the unity of shared community. I found humbleness and listening to my inner teacher. I found deep joy and appreciation. If you’re interested in learning more about his unique inner experience, send me a message! Or you can find me at the Zendo sitting on most mornings. The silence welcomes you.

My Plant Medicine Journey

NOTE: This post was previously released on October 25, 2018 as a part of my writing series: Awake @ Dawn. Previous posts in this series will be released periodically.

I noticed that I was completely without pain. As we began to get out of the car and approach the airport for our trips home, I began to feel the tension return. The paradox was astounding. No pain at all, to the creeping in of old body patterns. I had been transformed. 

48 hours earlier, I was arriving to an undisclosed location where I would be partaking in three separate ayahuasca ceremonies. These would be with a group of strangers I had never met, with a husband and wife team who would facilitate the ceremonies. I had taken many months to pray and consider using this form of plant medicine to help heal aspects of my trauma history that weren’t responding to traditional therapeutic techniques. I was taking the plunge to see if this plant could help heal the blockages in my body and spirit. 

I am not a group person.  I have participated in many group experiences over the years both when I was a practicing Christian, and in graduate school. It’s not my comfort zone. I would much rather be vulnerable with one person than a whole group. We had a good mix of people who were brand new to ayahuasca as well as others who had done it many times before. As the weekend unfolded, our unity and appreciation grew for one another. I feel a closeness to them that is everlasting. We participated in each others deep healing process. 

The ceremonies are performed with many prayers, songs (called Iquaros), and rituals as ayahuasca has a very strong spiritual component passed down from the generations of shamans in South America. I will save you the details of the ceremonies, but only tell you that my life has never been the same since. In taking this plant, I not only entered into the most profound healing experience of my life, but I also have a very different view of my spiritual life and direction as a result. 

I also experienced physical healing and found that my body was able to return to a place of comfort and safety that I have never felt before in my whole life. I was able to feel a deeper sense of gratitude and appreciation for myself and all sentient beings. I was able to feel unconditional love for my husband and son. I was able to believe that it’s possible to live in complete freedom from the wounds of my past. I was able to gain further confidence as a healer for other people’s pain with out taking it on. I was able to fully release other people’s pain I’ve absorbed by being a therapist. I was able to more fully own my role as a leader and change agent for others.

One of the things I read by others who have testified about their ayahuasca experience is they feel a connectivity to themselves and others that allows them to never feel alone again. This is why the research around using various psychedelics for the treatment of mental health issues is so important. I can attest that this deep assurance of self, this connection to the life force of ALL, this profound peace in the midst of pain, has never left me since.

One of the hardest parts about a plant medicine experience is integrating back into day to day life. Even now, ten months later, I feel like I’m still integrating. My spiritual practices have continued and grown deeper. My relationship to my body is much more kind and much more free. My relationships aren’t perfect, but I’m able to find my center with greater ease. My inner center, the life force that we all have inside of us, is stronger each day. Ayahuasca is not a miracle plant. For me, it was a doorway that expanded everything. For me, it was a journey I would gladly take again. 

A Session Or A Sanctuary?

To continue the topic of online services, I wanted to give potential clients an idea of what an online session with me can be like. This also may allay any anxieties about trying something different if you haven’t done healing sessions online before.

“I want my clients to experience the feeling of healing, insight, or breakthrough, which requires going into our senses and our bodies.”

1. Setting: As the third point in my previous post pointed out, the first step in preparing for an online session is creating your own special space for your sessions. This could simply be a quiet space in your home or office where you are able to talk undisturbed. If your setting has the potential for interruptions, this can greatly inhibit our ability to move through a healing process completely. Let people in your life know ahead of time you have an appointment where you can’t be disturbed. Also making sure your technology is all up-to-date, and you have headphones for your phone or laptop. Is it helpful to have a blanket or a place to recline if we are doing a hypnosis or healing session? Sometimes! I tell clients to have a space where lying down can be an option.

2. Mindset: I recommend giving yourself both 15 minutes before and after a session to prepare your own mind for the session. Since we’ve already talked ahead of time about your desires, goals, and expectations, you already know what type of session you will be participating in with me: whether that be an astrology reading, energy healing, hypnosis, or talking about your lifestyle plan. Make sure you have a pen or paper handy if you are prone to taking notes, though most video sessions can be recorded. If it serves you, participate in a ritual or set an intention ahead of time. Create a space in your mind to do good work in your session.

3. Experiential: Since I am a practitioner that has many tools in my toolbox to help facilitate healing, I mostly identify as an experiential healer or coach. I want my clients to experience the feeling of healing, insight, or breakthrough, which requires going into our senses and our bodies. Be prepared as a potential client to be actively participating in exercises during our session to help you help yourself. My hands-on approach allows you to realize how powerful you are in your own healing process.

4. Results Driven: My motto as a healer and coach is this--if the connection of our collaborative relationship coupled with multiple modalities does not give you more of what you want in life and less of what you don’t want, then we need to talk. I will be asking for feedback from you from the very beginning, so we both know how the process is working for you. This honest feedback goes both ways; just as much as I want your honest feedback, I will also be giving you feedback so you are aware of your own progress.

5. Referral Central: One major perk of working with me is the extensive referral network I have access to. If I am not able to address a particular issue that we agree should be addressed for your healing (i.e. finding a bodyworker in your area, functional fitness and nutrition help, etc), I will find someone who can! I will also be setting up a resources page on my website soon with some of my top referrals for particular issues.

If you are ready to start the journey of healing, then apply here or schedule your FREE 20-minute consultation call here.

Why Online Services: A Series

Since I launched my new website, I’ve had many inquiries about my services. Thank you for your interest! My therapy practice in Illinois is currently full, so many potential clients have been wondering about online services. Here are some reasons online services can be superior to seeing a practitioner in person, and why I started using online coaches and healers over three years ago:

1. Accessibility: Having the option of talking to your provider of choice, regardless of geographical location is a big plus. While clients who come to my office have limited days and times they are able to see me, accessing me online can be much easier! Need to schedule while you’re travelling? Great news! Online services can happen no matter what time zone we’re in, given we are both awake!

2. Collaboration: Since online services are not covered by insurance, I would serve as your coach. Many of my modalities can be used via phone or video conference, but having an online coach can be more flexible in terms of the expectations around the roles of the coach and the client. Coaching allows for an expanded collaborative relationship--I have met my coaches at retreats, shared bedrooms with them, and cried together. I would consider some of my coaches friends.

3. Creating A Sacred Space: When I schedule a coaching call with new clients, I encourage you to choose a time and space where you are able to completely focus. This would preferably be in your home in a space that is just yours, or is able to be private during our session. Often, I will start the session out with a prayer or ritual to welcome in healing. Once we have collectively given ourselves a space to do important work, your sacred space could then be used for your own work outside our sessions.

4. Diversity: Once I was able to receive energy healing, astrology readings, and practical tools through an online space, I realized I would have never been able to access the diversity of coaches and healers within my own community. Making the time to physically go to appointments can be exhausting and time consuming, let alone finding someone who best fits your needs. Having the option to work with providers online has been an integral part of my healing process.

If you are interested in learning more about online coaching and how to work with me, let’s schedule a FREE 20-minute call! Next week, I’ll share a bit more about how online sessions look with me, and how to best optimize your online sessions.

Why I Cry During Yoga (Every Time)

“Are you a yogi?” my instructor asked upon introduction. I laughed inside myself, as it’s a type of question that I’ve been asked before. I have never considered myself a yogi, but rather answered with, “It’s [yoga] always been around.” However reluctant I have been to call myself a yogi, I have joined a studio in town and have reflected on my reluctance to embrace the practice of yoga fully.

Ever since I was introduced to yoga, I liked it immediately. The action of synchronizing my breath to the flow of movements meant for my physical and psychological well-being appealed to me. However, I have a tendency within myself to resist many things that are embraced by the larger populous (think things like: Harry Potter, all professional sports, and cruises). Since yoga has seemingly increased in popularity in the US, I actively resisted embracing a regular practice or joining a studio. I practice sporadically at home, encourage my clients suffering from trauma to embrace yoga as a part of their recovery, and have plenty of friends who both teach and practice yoga.

As I meditated on the history of yoga, I realized part of my resistance to westernized yoga. The meaning of the word yoga means “union.” This makes sense to me given the following explanation by Patanjali:  “yoga is the neutralization of ego-directed feelings, because once these become stilled, the yogi realizes that he is, and that he has always been, one with the Infinite – that his awareness of this reality was limited only by his infatuation with limitation.”

As I participate in this ancient practice, my intuition was guiding me to this wonderful concept of union. During my practice, I become aware of the limitations in my mind, my body, and in my emotions. I also simultaneously realized that I am part of All That Is. During my first candlelight practice, I found tears streaming down my face. How my body and soul longed for a union I couldn’t put into words, yet has always been at my disposal.

Another word that comes to mind often during my practice is prayer. I see my practice as a form of prayer: for myself, for my body, for my day, for my clients, for my life. As I learn to open myself, physically and psychologically, to the union that creates wholeness, I can be free. I listen to the nagging signals in my body that are praying for union. I now embrace the practice of yoga, and I embrace all the tears I cry during savasana.

If you are a reluctant yogi like I am, give it a try. You might just cry during every class, and enjoy every minute of it.

Snowstorms & Embodiment

Have you ever been travelling during a snowstorm? The phenomena is something that can test your mental and physical limits. This weekend I was the copilot with a dear friend while we traveled to Michigan, where we encountered snowstorms on the way there and back. As I reflect on how we supported each other through the journey, I was brought to my body.

How do we know when stress has occurred? Very often, we can identify this through our body signals: tight chest, shallow breathing, or a churning of the gut. I’ve been finishing an online training entitled: Toward an Embodied Self. This training is incorporating somatic techniques for therapists who specialize in processing all forms of trauma. In the training, we are instructed to pay very close attention to our clients non-verbal cues, most of which are found in body language.

When we are under acute or chronic stress, our bodies are the best way of alerting us if we pay attention. In my work with clients, many have cut themselves off from their body cues due to their trauma history. The task of reacquainting them with their body can be a slow and gradual process. What is the best way to start this process? By creating safety within the body.

How do we begin the process of creating safety in the body? When my friend was driving through the snowstorm, how did I support her? We begin to talk about and explore resources that can create a positive shift in the body. Examples could be: talking about a pleasant place my friend visited that was warm and sunny (visual), imagining stroking my dogs soft fur (tactile), listening to fun music (auditory), or biting into a crisp apple (olfactory and taste). I also read her funny buzzfeed articles (laughing heals).

When we allow ourselves to pay attention to how our bodies feel when we engage in pleasant resources, there is a shift. Where once there was tension, it has melted away. Where there was once unease, we find our breathing gets easier. We notice the contrast of our stressed bodies with our resourced bodies.

Even though Abby and I were stuck in a car for longer than we wanted, in circumstances that were less than ideal, we made it through. We both consciously and unconsciously resourced our bodies. In the processing of trauma, we are looking for the body to integrate the experience so we no longer carry the remnants of it in our fascia, muscles, and cells. We become more resilient to stress in the future. We become more embodied as a whole person.

If you are interested in knowing more about the process of embodiment, bringing safety back to the body, and more, my coaching services address all these needs. I’m more than happy to talk on the phone about how I can help. Please send me a message and we can chat!