I went to stand up, and my right leg collapsed and almost crumpled me to the floor. I realized in that moment, that I would need to pace myself during sesshin , a traditional period of extended meditation and silence in the Zen Buddhist tradition. I chose to embark on this journey at the Prairie Zen Center out of curiosity and at the prompting of a friend who told me about it.

The idea of spending time in silence with others participating in the same activities carries great appeal for this introverted introspective soul. I will not be recommending sesshin, nor will I be prescribing anything from my time. I simply want to highlight a few of my observations as they have percolated over the last week:

1. Riding the Waves: I have a lot of mental activity. Since my inner world is incredibly rich, vibrant, and a place of refuge, to bring myself simply back to the present is hard. My inner chatter wants me to escape, wants to run away, wants to be anywhere but present. I learned to ride the initial waves of fear, terror, anger, judgment, and all manner of ego driven language as I was facing a wall with no stimuli to distract my mind.

2. Being Gracious: Being in community with complete strangers is not a new concept for me. However, being in extended periods of silence with people is new. I saw myself instantly extending grace both to myself and others as we negotiated how to be together. I extended compassion to myself for dropping things, talking when I wasn’t supposed to, or becoming impatient with others.

3. Deep Respect: In observing the teachers and participants, I developed a deep respect for this ancient practice. The simple physical challenge to sit still, no matter what your body position is, for many hours is something to aspire to. The fact that an 82-year-old woman is able to sit in longer than me was both humbling and inspiring.

4. Learning to Laugh at Non-Duality: Buddhism is called ‘the middle way.’ It states that there is no need to go to extremes in thought, feeling, body or deed in order to achieve inner peace. However, practicing non-duality is much harder that it may seem. I found my mind getting confused by the circular non-duality talk of Genmyo, the resident Zen Master. I also found myself smiling and laughing along with everyone at some of the statements, such as this one: “Zazen [sitting meditation] could be the hardest thing, or it can be the easiest thing.” Finding humor in the paradox, learning to play in paradox, is a skill I hope to hone.

5. Basking in Unity: At the end of our time together, we get to speak about our experience in closing remarks. The unity that I felt between myself and the participants and teachers was palpable. We were all there to participate for ourselves, as well as work together toward a common good of bringing peace and to end all suffering. A lofty goal, but I can see how it’s possible given the power of simply meditating in a group for almost three days.

My intention in going to sesshin was to learn how to expand my meditation muscle. What I found was so much more than that: I found the purity of letting go. I found the unity of shared community. I found humbleness and listening to my inner teacher. I found deep joy and appreciation. If you’re interested in learning more about his unique inner experience, send me a message! Or you can find me at the Zendo sitting on most mornings. The silence welcomes you.