NOTE: This post was previously released on October 25, 2018 as a part of my writing series: Awake @ Dawn. Previous posts in this series will be released periodically.

I noticed that I was completely without pain. As we began to get out of the car and approach the airport for our trips home, I began to feel the tension return. The paradox was astounding. No pain at all, to the creeping in of old body patterns. I had been transformed. 

48 hours earlier, I was arriving to an undisclosed location where I would be partaking in three separate ayahuasca ceremonies. These would be with a group of strangers I had never met, with a husband and wife team who would facilitate the ceremonies. I had taken many months to pray and consider using this form of plant medicine to help heal aspects of my trauma history that weren’t responding to traditional therapeutic techniques. I was taking the plunge to see if this plant could help heal the blockages in my body and spirit. 

I am not a group person.  I have participated in many group experiences over the years both when I was a practicing Christian, and in graduate school. It’s not my comfort zone. I would much rather be vulnerable with one person than a whole group. We had a good mix of people who were brand new to ayahuasca as well as others who had done it many times before. As the weekend unfolded, our unity and appreciation grew for one another. I feel a closeness to them that is everlasting. We participated in each others deep healing process. 

The ceremonies are performed with many prayers, songs (called Iquaros), and rituals as ayahuasca has a very strong spiritual component passed down from the generations of shamans in South America. I will save you the details of the ceremonies, but only tell you that my life has never been the same since. In taking this plant, I not only entered into the most profound healing experience of my life, but I also have a very different view of my spiritual life and direction as a result. 

I also experienced physical healing and found that my body was able to return to a place of comfort and safety that I have never felt before in my whole life. I was able to feel a deeper sense of gratitude and appreciation for myself and all sentient beings. I was able to feel unconditional love for my husband and son. I was able to believe that it’s possible to live in complete freedom from the wounds of my past. I was able to gain further confidence as a healer for other people’s pain with out taking it on. I was able to fully release other people’s pain I’ve absorbed by being a therapist. I was able to more fully own my role as a leader and change agent for others.

One of the things I read by others who have testified about their ayahuasca experience is they feel a connectivity to themselves and others that allows them to never feel alone again. This is why the research around using various psychedelics for the treatment of mental health issues is so important. I can attest that this deep assurance of self, this connection to the life force of ALL, this profound peace in the midst of pain, has never left me since.

One of the hardest parts about a plant medicine experience is integrating back into day to day life. Even now, ten months later, I feel like I’m still integrating. My spiritual practices have continued and grown deeper. My relationship to my body is much more kind and much more free. My relationships aren’t perfect, but I’m able to find my center with greater ease. My inner center, the life force that we all have inside of us, is stronger each day. Ayahuasca is not a miracle plant. For me, it was a doorway that expanded everything. For me, it was a journey I would gladly take again.